Stay Hungry

After nearly 20 years, I am reviving this blog because it is easier to type than to write something out in a journal. I am doing this as a place to put my thoughts and hopefully also make sense of what is happening in this season of life and ministry. Feel free to not subscribe because I'm sure there won't be all that much is of interest to anyone but me and my memoirist.

I started a new ministry position 18 months ago and it's kind of been a wild ride. There are too many things to capture in this transition but, with my little bit of retrospect, what I've gained is a deep appreciation for the incredibly unstable but deeply faithful ministry that I had the privilege of being part of in Chicago. Through my time there, my ego took regular hits as I gained a level of spiritual resilience and thick skin borne from leadership trauma that would be necessary for staying the course for long-term ministry. I can't say one way or the other about what ministry was like "way back when" but what I can say is that it is rough out here on these streets today! Post pandemic social disorientation and mistrust, political vitriol, and vocational drift in the midst of late-stage capitalism add pressure to religious infrastructures that are crumbling under the weight of their own processes and unaddressed traumas. Churches (institutionally, organizationally) are frankly too much house for the people living in them. 

I recently had a conversation with a colleague who tried to give me an understanding of the cultural and relational landscape of my current local denominational body and I couldn't decide which emotion I felt was stronger: grief or disgust. An entity rich in resources devouring itself with bitterness, resentment, mistrust, and personal petty pain points while the rest of the world suffers and struggles under the weight of collective despair. If this is the church, I'll just sign up for the next GOOP wellness retreat. At least my skin will be clearer. 

Even in my own post, after 18 months of (over)working to create pathways for clarity, trust, and transparency in the midst of a phenomenally toxic culture has been exhausting and, if I'm being honest, also filled with grief and disgust. I feel like I've walked backwards in to the story of Jonah, asking God when is it time for me to leave?! I've fantasized about just shutting the whole thing down but then, when I pull back the lens, my heart slows my hand to the matchbook. For all the nit-picking, judgmental, and downright mean people who have showed up at my inbox, I see people who felt relegated to the margins make their way to the center. And I'm not just talking about the usual suspects – BIPOC, LGBTQIA, etc – although they are certainly among the number. I'm also talking about people who I (in my own judgmental-ness) would have assumed felt comfortable at the center confessing to me that, while they had attended the church for over 10 years, they always felt like an outsider. I see staff and colleagues who have labored under tremendous pressure and countless micro-humiliations to serve consistently and with excellence. I see leaders who, against all common sense, decide to remain committed through an incredibly tumultuous series of seasons and somehow maintain a level of grace through it all. The lack of cynicism is admirable! How can I burn down the building with all of these beautiful and sincere, broken-hearted, and beloved children of God still living in it? I guess I'll stay...for now.

I have a habit of not doing my research on some things. This was true when I went to Th. I mean, I sort of do research. Like, a general google search. But, more often than not, my decisions are determined by an empty gut and a trail of breadcrumbs that the Holy Spirit lays down. And like Gretel in that tale so long ago, I dumbly follow along because I'm a sucker for cookies. Here I am on the front door of a house made of flour and butter and frosting and candy and it looks delicious but I know its a trap. I ate all the crumbs so I can't find my way back so now I just have to figure out what to do. The house is filled with witches so I guess I'll pitch a tent over here to figure out my next move. And, the only thing keeping me from getting thrown into the oven is the steadfast faithfulness of the Spirit who led me there in the first place. I don't know what I'm doing but thank God she does!

I got a therapist when I first arrived because I knew that I was not going to survive the shenanigans of this system without someone to vent to. This was helpful but inadequate (and also, as it turns out, quite expensive because no one takes insurance). I quit her, not because she was bad (she was great) but because I realized that what I needed was not therapy but perspective. Then that wild goose of a Holy Spirit did her thing and, just after I ended the relationship an elder retired colleague who has a spirit of fire and joy reached out to see if I would be open to having him as a listening ear. Did I tell you that God keeps setting down bread crumbs?

Ministry is hard wherever you go and there is just no way around it because it's filled with humans like me who throw temper tantrums and feel entitled to more than what they are entitled to. I tell people that I left my previous ministry because I felt that I had done all that I could do and if I stayed longer, I feared that I would become a liabililty to the system and this is true. And I came here because I felt called to be here. Why? I HAVE NO IDEA. I mean, I have some ideas but they are only emerging with every passing day. I suppose that if there is anything my past can offer my present it's that following the breadcrumbs is not the worst way to go through ministry or life. The only thing standing between me and disaster is hunger and an endless series of crumbs.