last notes and ptsd

The other night, I woke up to a large "booming" sound. I briefly thought that there was another bomb. The wrath-of-God-like thunderstorms for which Lebanon is host to don't really help my cause, haha. I guess I'm carrying a bit of ptsd around with me. Since I've been here, there have been three bombs, of which not one of the plethora of activist groups with interests in Lebanon have owned up to. The latest was aimed at eliminating a key Lebanese anti-terrorist specialist. The one not long before that targeted a U.S. Embassy car and the first one since I was here killed a top general who was next-in-command in the Lebanese army.

LAST NOTES
So, my time in Lebanon is coming to an end and, even though I'm in the midst of lots of work (aren't we all?), I thought I'd give some initial reflections for folks wondering what's been running around the noodle in my head. My time here has been more impacting than I imagined and in ways that I hadn't anticipated (but isn't it always like that?). I made such good friends at N.E.S.T. (Near East School of Theology) -- with people from many different countries and cultures. I have also learned so much, especially with regards to how the things we hear in the news play out in reality. I've also learned a lot about Islam and Muslims although, ironically, I never really got to know any Muslims while I was here (being in a seminary and all). It has, however, really given me some insight and interest in the Muslim experience in the U.S.


Anyhow, I've packed a lot more in four months than I ever thought I would -- Beirut marathon, trekking through the mountains, traveling through Syria and Jordan taking classes and then, of course, just getting to know people in general. I really couldn't have asked for more...except, perhaps, more time. Oh, and better food. Boy, cafeteria food is cafeteria food wherever you are in the world! haha

I've also come to realize what an absolute mess it is here, politically. Lebanon, in particular, is in a unique situation because of its political, ethnic and religious mix. But, it is absolutely tragic how it seems this land has had no rest and peace...seemingly ever! And, I am so heartbroken that my own country is contributing to the instability. Not just with Iraq but with Israel in particular. I understand that some folks see the U.S. in a role to be a broker for positive influence but, the influence exerted has often been more harmful than helpful, from the vantage point of this side anyway. People see how they are being portrayed on the media -- Muslims in particular -- and are confused and hurt by the images being painted. More than once, when I've revealed my citizenship, people have told me, "We are not like what your news makes us look like." It's strong insight into the powers at work which try to depict people in a particular way for the purpose of supporting agendas. We all do it to some extent but the degree to how its done in the U.S. elicits a sense of shame on my part. I know that we (Americans and America) can do better than this but no one seems to care enough to change things...or have enough power to do so. It's a strange sense of disempowerment and hopelessness. But, there's always January 20, 2009 to look forward to!

Anyhow, I hope that gives you a bit more insight as to how my time here has been. Above all, I've learned just how much I don't know. Such is the tragic irony of learning, no?